BANANA COCONUT ISLAND OFFERS FREE HOMES!

Beautiful Banana Coconut Island, just east of Java, is offering free homes to good people. People like you. You know who you are. You question everything. You take the time to post about current events from 'real' news sites.

You don't worry about details like who, what, when, where, why, blah blah blah. Because you know...

Well, Banana Coconut Island wants YOU!!

What does it take to become a Banana or a Coconut? Simply the desire to live on either the Banana side or the Coconut side of the island. Here's the scientific quiz that will tell you if you are a Banana or a Coconut.

YOU ARE A RIGHTEOUS BANANA IF:


You believe there were multiple shooters in that city in Nevada. Not you? Read on then (I know, more reading, sigh).

YOU ARE A PROUD COCONUT IF:

You know that nobody got shot in that city in Nevada (and isn't that a lovely thought). And because you are a Proud Coconut you hold people to account for their actions. You hunted down those fake actors with their pretend bullet wounds and trauma and you called them out on social media and told them you hope they DO get shot in the head. Ya? Then, Hell Ya! You are a Proud Coconut!

WELCOME TO BANANA COCONUT ISLAND!!!

JUST LOOK HOW YOU'LL SPEND YOUR DAYS:

On EXCLUSIVE LOCAL intranet. That's right! You can really just communicate with each other for reals, NO outside opinions and no pesky logic or reason or critical thinking or tiresome learning to spoil your fun with the neighbours when its time for Let's All Run Around Drunk Till We Barf time.

Bananas and the Coconuts have all day to lie back and count the scary water vapour lines in the sky.

And before dinner? JUNGLE WARFARE GAMES with multiple shooters or no shooters or twenty shot or no one gets shot but some guys pretend to get shot and pretend bleed and a few die or pretend die and the Bananas are damn well aware the Coconuts have perpetrated the whole damn hoax and goddamnit they are going to get to the bottom of this and open a can 'o whup ass on those Coconut bastards!

 

But not to worry! EVERLASTING PEACE will be found for the Bananas and the Coconuts when

Krakota, east of Java, erupts and sinks beautiful Banana Coconut Island and the Bananas and Coconuts sink to the bottom of the sea sure those lousy leprechauns are behind all of it. 

And the rest of the world lives happily ever after, in sanity and reason, like Denmark.

Walmart Owners Worth $130B Offer Employees 3% Discount On "Dumpster Diving Classes"

"Times are tough. Everybody knows that. I mean I heard that." Ronnie Walton, one of the heirs to the Walmart fortune said Friday at a press conference called by the 130 BILLION DOLLAR Waltons (ironically the name evokes the TV Waltons who were dirt poor but so dang happy), owners of Walmart, the U.S.'s largest employer, to roll out a new plan to help Walmart employees with their household budgets.

"You have to 'tighten your belts' and to that end the Walton family is offering Walmart employees budgeting and financial planning courses, at a substantially reduced rate, I mean a discount of 3% is nothing to sneeze at, so they're only paying $240.00 per employee, which conveniently comes right off their paycheque."

Some employees have balked at having to take the course which is now retroactively considered a mandatory part of initial employee training but the Waltons are defending the decision to make the course mandatory, "Look, it's almost impossible to live on what we pay and we have to make sure that our employees are trained to understand that you can safely dumpster dive for perfectly good FREE food with the right gloves and training to sniff out potentially deadly bacteria. You can learn to differentiate between a WANT and a NEED and also between salmonella and e coli."


Suggestions that Walmart increase wages, or that wages haven't kept pace with the cost of living in the last three decades had Moira Walton McGinnis Campbell cooly rebuke the suggestion, "The stock markets are flourishing. And everyoe knows if the stock markets are flourishing and people are trading in their yachts then the workers are doing great too. And maybe even trading in the - what is that Japanese car called - Toroda? Tormato? Troytroto? Those little cars but listen, if you buy a BIGGER vehicle you could live in it and park right at work. Now wouldn't that save our employees a lot?" 

Ronnie Walton smiled at that, "And those are the kind of great tips our employees are getting for only $240, that's what, a lunch?"