BANANA COCONUT ISLAND OFFERS FREE HOMES!

Beautiful Banana Coconut Island, just east of Java, is offering free homes to good people. People like you. You know who you are. You question everything. You take the time to post about current events from 'real' news sites.

You don't worry about details like who, what, when, where, why, blah blah blah. Because you know...

Well, Banana Coconut Island wants YOU!!

What does it take to become a Banana or a Coconut? Simply the desire to live on either the Banana side or the Coconut side of the island. Here's the scientific quiz that will tell you if you are a Banana or a Coconut.

YOU ARE A RIGHTEOUS BANANA IF:


You believe there were multiple shooters in that city in Nevada. Not you? Read on then (I know, more reading, sigh).

YOU ARE A PROUD COCONUT IF:

You know that nobody got shot in that city in Nevada (and isn't that a lovely thought). And because you are a Proud Coconut you hold people to account for their actions. You hunted down those fake actors with their pretend bullet wounds and trauma and you called them out on social media and told them you hope they DO get shot in the head. Ya? Then, Hell Ya! You are a Proud Coconut!

WELCOME TO BANANA COCONUT ISLAND!!!

JUST LOOK HOW YOU'LL SPEND YOUR DAYS:

On EXCLUSIVE LOCAL intranet. That's right! You can really just communicate with each other for reals, NO outside opinions and no pesky logic or reason or critical thinking or tiresome learning to spoil your fun with the neighbours when its time for Let's All Run Around Drunk Till We Barf time.

Bananas and the Coconuts have all day to lie back and count the scary water vapour lines in the sky.

And before dinner? JUNGLE WARFARE GAMES with multiple shooters or no shooters or twenty shot or no one gets shot but some guys pretend to get shot and pretend bleed and a few die or pretend die and the Bananas are damn well aware the Coconuts have perpetrated the whole damn hoax and goddamnit they are going to get to the bottom of this and open a can 'o whup ass on those Coconut bastards!

 

But not to worry! EVERLASTING PEACE will be found for the Bananas and the Coconuts when

Krakota, east of Java, erupts and sinks beautiful Banana Coconut Island and the Bananas and Coconuts sink to the bottom of the sea sure those lousy leprechauns are behind all of it. 

And the rest of the world lives happily ever after, in sanity and reason, like Denmark.

Walmart Owners Worth $130B Offer Employees 3% Discount On "Dumpster Diving Classes"

"Times are tough. Everybody knows that. I mean I heard that." Ronnie Walton, one of the heirs to the Walmart fortune said Friday at a press conference called by the 130 BILLION DOLLAR Waltons (ironically the name evokes the TV Waltons who were dirt poor but so dang happy), owners of Walmart, the U.S.'s largest employer, to roll out a new plan to help Walmart employees with their household budgets.

"You have to 'tighten your belts' and to that end the Walton family is offering Walmart employees budgeting and financial planning courses, at a substantially reduced rate, I mean a discount of 3% is nothing to sneeze at, so they're only paying $240.00 per employee, which conveniently comes right off their paycheque."

Some employees have balked at having to take the course which is now retroactively considered a mandatory part of initial employee training but the Waltons are defending the decision to make the course mandatory, "Look, it's almost impossible to live on what we pay and we have to make sure that our employees are trained to understand that you can safely dumpster dive for perfectly good FREE food with the right gloves and training to sniff out potentially deadly bacteria. You can learn to differentiate between a WANT and a NEED and also between salmonella and e coli."


Suggestions that Walmart increase wages, or that wages haven't kept pace with the cost of living in the last three decades had Moira Walton McGinnis Campbell cooly rebuke the suggestion, "The stock markets are flourishing. And everyoe knows if the stock markets are flourishing and people are trading in their yachts then the workers are doing great too. And maybe even trading in the - what is that Japanese car called - Toroda? Tormato? Troytroto? Those little cars but listen, if you buy a BIGGER vehicle you could live in it and park right at work. Now wouldn't that save our employees a lot?" 

Ronnie Walton smiled at that, "And those are the kind of great tips our employees are getting for only $240, that's what, a lunch?"

Kim Kardashian Burps Up Lung

Horrified onlookers gasped in shock not once, but TWICE, at the L.A. Convention Centre this weekend as Kim Kardashian stepped to the podium at the annual 'Cosmetic Surgeons For The Beautification of America' convention. 

SHOCK ONE: Kardashian's 12 (!) inch waist. 

SHOCK TWO: Mrs. Kanye West opened her mouth to speak and the TOP OF A LUNG squirted out of her mouth.

Kardashian was rushed to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles with husband Kanye West by her side. The waist training accident was due to what E.R. Physician Chaz Elkhorn, described as 'a futile attempt to use a waist trainer to squeeze into a dress with a 12 inch waist. One lung was forced up the esophagus, which caused severe distension of the neck and pressure on the carotid artery, which is why she fainted."

"Wait a minute, doc," West interjected, "Hold on here, hold on, you need to respeck the artist. Beyonce is the artist. You need to respeck that."

A bewildered Dr. Elkhorn left the ER to check on his patient who was resting comfortably in a private room. "I...feel...much...much...bet...ter..." Kardashian explained after loosening her trainer to 18 inches.

In a string of Tweets, Kardashian thanked her fans for their concern. She also warned against extreme use of the popular corsets,  "I...was....extreme...Don't...be...silly like...me.... Eigh...teen inches ...is a.... much... more realistic... goal...

And...you...know...it doesn't...hurt...nearly...as...much as...trying....for ...twelve. And...you...can... talk...almost...normal."

"Wait a minute, honey," West interrupted, "You don't have to type it like that."

"Like......what.....?"

iSpeak Polls Report 8 or 9 out of 10 Election Polls Probably Wrong Maybe

iSpeak Polling International has released a report 52 years in the making. The investigative report tracked pollster's predictions from 1962, when polling began, and found they are incorrect 8 or 9 times out of 10 with a margin of error of 10 points. Or 11.

Since 1962 pollsters have offered 'scientific' analysis of which way voters were likely to cast in elections. In the 13 Canadian elections since then the pollsters have predicted the outcome of elections incorrectly 12 times out of 13. 

"We probably know there's maybe some problems with the accuracy of our polls but we're paid good money to produce numbers that may or may not be gobbledygook and there's always a chance we'll have a non-gobbledygook result, after all, it happened once in 13 elections so we can expect another non-gobbledygook result easily within the next 13 elections so of course polling remains the most valid barometer of how an election may or probably won't turn out." Explained iSpeak President, Sheri-Lee Rodham Hinton.

While concerned civil organizations urge people to make the effort to vote, Rodham Hinton has another request, "Just let us know what you're gonna do or not do. That would help a lot of people keep their sort of not really useful jobs and really nice offices."

Vancouver's Elevators Now Displaying Rider's Weight

The Most Beautiful City In The Whole Wide World

The city that likes to call itself 'The Most Beautiful City In The Whole Wide World', Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, is taking it's claim to new heights. 

~ $70 million will be spent to retro-fit the city's 257,000 plus elevators with sensors that will display each rider's weight in the floor at their feet.

~A further $200 mill will be spent on the FACE4000 scanner which will score each rider's face for symmetry, lack of blemish, grooming.

~'International Urban Beauty Index Score': Riders with high scores will be offered coupons coupons for local cafes and nightclubs where The City of Vancouver wants beautiful people to congregate in order to increase the city's 'Urban Beauty Index Score' which right now has it slightly behind front runner, Edinborough, Scotland.

"Vancouver is a beautiful city full of beautiful people and we want to keep it that way so really the weight display and Face4000 scanner is only the beginning of a really exciting technological advancement." says Trudy Spencer-Flint the city's 'Director of Beautification'.

Riders may want to hit this! 

 The city's willingness to spend money on something many might find trivial considering the tremendous issues Vancouver faces with homelessness, violence, disenfranchisement, transit, water quality, eduction funding and the dip in tourism doesn't bother Spencer-Flint. 

"The city's willingness to spend money on something many find trivial doesn't bother me because this is is an important advancement for the health of Vancourverites. We want to see those elevator numbers drop year after year until our ridership is predominately in the double zero to zero size range. We will save millions in health care costs."

Regarding the Face Scanner 4000 TLC,  an advanced version of current law enforcement face scanning technologies, that will rate the attractiveness of a rider's face Spencer-Flint had this to say, "This is not to say that ugly people have no value in society, I mean if you didn't have someone to compare beautiful people to how would you know they were beautiful, so you need ugly people, they are like the night sky. You need the dark to see the stars. They are the dark matter in the background allowing the stars to shine."

Trudy Spencer-Flint, Director of Beautification, City of Vancouver

Spencer-Flint then smiled and offered a suggestion, "Perhaps the night could be given over to the ugly people in Vancouver. That's when they can work and play. The day would be for the light and the beautiful people and that would ensure Vancouver's place as 'The Most Beautiful City In The World."


Tourism Vancouver is expecting no drop in tourists visiting the city because of the new elevator system but they are expecting a 95% drop in elevator ridership.

New Motor Homes Can't Go Below 120 KPH On Highway

'Then I see the name across that big brown ass: Mile Zero."

Mile Zero Motor Coaches 2015 models will feature as standard equipment the MZ Reverse Governor. It is an idea that Transport Canada has not only endorsed but put the wheels in motion to expand to ALL Recreational Vehicles in the Class A, B and C categories.

The MZ Reverse Governor will force all RV's  up to 120 kilometres per hour once they have passed the 90 kilometre per hour threshold. It is hoped this will alleviate the traffic slow downs caused on highways by slow moving motor coaches.

The idea came to Mile Zero President, Harvey Rostern-Platten after he himself was caught behind one of his own slow moving coaches on Highway 1 outside of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

"You can't get flatter than that highway."

"You can't get flatter than that highway. Hell, you could pin your car's speedometer all the way over and take your hands off the wheel and you still wouldn't get into trouble and even if you closed your eyes too you'd be fine 'cause if you drifted the rumble strip on the side would let you know you drifted too far. But there I was going 95 behind a big ass coach a cussin' and a swearin' and then I see that name across that big brown ass: Mile Zero. Wow I was embarrassed. I was cussin' my own."

On that hot summer day Mr. Rostern-Platten determined to do something to solve what he calls 'The Scourge of Summer'.

The Scourge of Summer

"On that hot summer day I determined to do something to solve what I call The Scourge of Summer." Rostern-Plattern says.

That was where the seed that became the MZ Reverse Governor was born, according to Mr. Rostern-Platten. "That was where the seed that became the MZ Reverse Governor was born."

The MZ Reverse Governor works like engine governors used by the trucking industry to keep trucks from speeding. The MZ Reverse Governor does the opposite as the vehicle hits 90 kilometres per hour.

"The MZ Reverse Governor works like on the trucks but backwards making it speed up once it's passed 90. It's kinda like that movie 'Speed', only most RV drivers don't look like that Sandy Bullocks or even that Canoe Reefs."

Canoe Reefs and Sandy Bullocks

Transport Canada Spokesperson, Ellen May Sharps is excited about the prospect of a summer without the usual traffic tie ups.
"I'm really excited by a summer without the usual traffic tie ups. I can get to the cabin maybe by six p.m. on Friday nights instead of the usual 11 p.m. because of those slow motor homes."

Does Transport Canada have concerns about the safety of motor homes driven by people who normally drive Hyundai Accents all year being forced to 120 kilometres per hour?

"Nah." says Ellen May Sharps, "They're big enough if they go in the ditch they just sorta settle in there like they're cuddling up in a big downy comforter."

Bars With Daycares Coming to B.C.

"Upside down!" is what Opposition Politician Harlan Carey Pooley is calling the Christy Clark Government's latest, "Social engineering experiment." for British Columbia.

"B.C. Mom's need a break!" insists Premier Clark

In an effort to reduce the stress on harried parents in British Columbia, the Christy Clark Liberal Government has passed legislation clearing the way for pubs, bars and lounges to have their own daycares attached.

"Gone are the days of my childhood when I sat out in the freezing car in the parking lot of Three Sister's Casino in Canmore waiting for my Mom and whoever she left with to finally decide barfing on your shoes twice was enough and it was time to go home." Said Ed Skinner-Lister, Minister of Health.

In a rambling statement Mr. Skinner-Lister elaborated further. "This way parents are free to take a cab home, knowing their kids are safe in the bar's daycare. They don't even have to wake them up or keep the car running, you know that carbon monoxide is always a danger so you'd have to run out to the car every ten minutes to make sure they kept the windows cracked and I mean, once a kid can put a car in gear you can't leave it running anyway and that lets out winter which for the rest of the country, which we expect to follow suit soon, that means no kids sitting in a running car in the parking lot for six to seven months a year and then what, leave 'em at home alone, is that safe? We've all seen that movie with the burglars."

Clark herself has said, "Parents should be really happy with this Pro-Family move on our parts. I mean, we can't get the schools going so let's get some pressure off parents. And this harkens back to the olden olden days when kids went to bars WITH their parents and people still used words like 'harken'! It's a return to Quality Family Time."

Empress Hotel Bar, 1672, Victoria, B.C. (note children)

Bar owners are ecstatic about the coming windfall.  Boone Sully-Richter, President of the 'B.C. Bar, Sport's Bar and Lounge Association of B.C., British Columbia Chapter' has already made a bulk purchase of Huggies from Costco at a substantial discount.

"I got a substantial discount on Huggies from Costco. When a small business owner like myself can go to Costco and tell them I will need 150,000 diapers this year, well, you can bet they sit right up and take notice.

We're almost ready to go, we just need to train the bouncers in Early Childhood Education. We're only using Christian bouncers so people can be assured their kiddies are in good hands, you know like they're with a priest."