Walmart Owners Worth $130B Offer Employees 3% Discount On "Dumpster Diving Classes"

"Times are tough. Everybody knows that. I mean I heard that." Ronnie Walton, one of the heirs to the Walmart fortune said Friday at a press conference called by the 130 BILLION DOLLAR Waltons (ironically the name evokes the TV Waltons who were dirt poor but so dang happy), owners of Walmart, the U.S.'s largest employer, to roll out a new plan to help Walmart employees with their household budgets.

"You have to 'tighten your belts' and to that end the Walton family is offering Walmart employees budgeting and financial planning courses, at a substantially reduced rate, I mean a discount of 3% is nothing to sneeze at, so they're only paying $240.00 per employee, which conveniently comes right off their paycheque."

Some employees have balked at having to take the course which is now retroactively considered a mandatory part of initial employee training but the Waltons are defending the decision to make the course mandatory, "Look, it's almost impossible to live on what we pay and we have to make sure that our employees are trained to understand that you can safely dumpster dive for perfectly good FREE food with the right gloves and training to sniff out potentially deadly bacteria. You can learn to differentiate between a WANT and a NEED and also between salmonella and e coli."


Suggestions that Walmart increase wages, or that wages haven't kept pace with the cost of living in the last three decades had Moira Walton McGinnis Campbell cooly rebuke the suggestion, "The stock markets are flourishing. And everyoe knows if the stock markets are flourishing and people are trading in their yachts then the workers are doing great too. And maybe even trading in the - what is that Japanese car called - Toroda? Tormato? Troytroto? Those little cars but listen, if you buy a BIGGER vehicle you could live in it and park right at work. Now wouldn't that save our employees a lot?" 

Ronnie Walton smiled at that, "And those are the kind of great tips our employees are getting for only $240, that's what, a lunch?"